This last turn about the sun….what a ride. What a strange walk in a stranger land, following the trail of the darkest, most dangerous version of love. I can’t see the future, I am not even sure that it’s there. I don’t know if I am broken or whole. I am old and salty, naive and busted wide. I guess I wasn’t specific enough about what I wanted. Strong, wise, heat, bows and arrows, skin and sweat, balls, guts, truth. I should have been vividly more specific. I should have used those words. And since I didn’t then, I will now. You will not find me next year buried under casual carelessness, at the mercy of a broken wild thing. Please consider this me, going on record.
I want bravery. In myself, in him. We will look at each other and never turn away. No matter the ugly, no matter the fear. We do this and are rewarded with all of the beauty that the eye and heart can hold. We do this and broom the dirt of sadness right out the fucking door. We fight together and laugh at our enemies because no one thing can defeat our army of two.
There is no need for you to love hip hop or know every word to every D’angelo song. I only need you to love me like a G, a warrior. To know every scar, every mole, every curve on my body and be able to sing it. To know my heart, know my mind, and roam it’s peaks and valleys with the spirit of a pioneer. I don’t care if you can field dress a deer, just as long as you can feed me. I don’t care if you can build me a house, just as long as you promise to always keep me warm. I don’t need a man who acts like a gangster, I need one that is a gangster. Quiet, strong, like wood, like stone.
I need him to care enough about me to care enough about himself. The body, a temple. The mind, an ever expanding landscape that we travel together, that he is brave enough to wander alone. I want books on his shelf, food in his cupboard. Clean sheets on our bed, blankets soft and warm. Seven pillows. Age will change us but our bodies and minds will remain strong. I want a fella that is tough enough to fight beside me, for as long as we both shall live.
Push me, force me, dangle me off a cliff. I want to be uncomfortable. When you do this it shows me that you think I can be more and do better. I never want to grow soft or bored. In return, I will do this for you. I will twist you up and spin you until up is down. And if you crash, I will dust you off and tell you how lovely you are. And then help you try again. Because together we are unbreakable.
Fuck me. Make love to me. I want to know every part of you. And you will know everything. I will keep no secret.
Don’t ever leave me. If I give you my heart, I promise that there will be no greater love. There is nothing else out there better. I will grow and change, you will have a thousand dimensions all in one. And if I fail you, there will still be no greater love. Do not turn your back on me. I will break. No real man ever wants to see a woman break. If I give you my heart, you are it’s keeper. It will be your job to protect me, even if it’s from you. If I trust you, do not break that pact. For me to love, for me to trust, is my deepest battle. And if I win that battle and give myself to you, then you must stay. And if you don’t want to stay then leave me where you found me. Leave my heart whole. There is someone out there that wants me whole, so let me be.
And this, I swear.