Oh faithful, intrepid readers! Oh how I love thee! Oh how I want to smother thee in kisses, juices, blue words, baubles, and cougar furs! Its V-day and though I loathe the idea that love in America gets only one lousy day, I am honoring this holiday with a post. Start it off by activating the song below….now slowly work your way down the page….stopping when the mood suits to, um, linger over that special spot. Give it all the time you need. Love takes time. Except when it rushes in. And when it does, let it take over mother fucker. Don’t try to stop what the Gods clearly gave us in lieu of immortality and wings.
I fall in love every single day. I used to fall in love at least twice on every Bart ride to and from school. He would be sitting a seat or two away across from me. I couldn’t just stare but I would glance, side long, when the rules permitted. My imagination would carve out a long and humid story line, one that ended in a tear soaked parting. My train route took me, for a thrilling 14 minutes, under the Bay. It was then that our tale would unfold. My stop always came to soon and with tattered hearts we would part ways.
The first time I fell in love….head first. In a club, 16. I walked up to him, informed him that he was about to get kissed, and he did. I spent the next year growing up, fast, and loving him, deep. That was a turbulent time in my life. I nearly lost a parent, I spent some time homeless, I was acrimoniously divorced from my high school life. And yet I remember that time as love soaked and exciting. Love can color your life in the most wonderful of shades. It fortified me against the devils of the world.
Love two- In eyeliner I scratched out my number, left it lodged in his door jam. He called. 6 years later, two states, one dog, one cat, lots of love, lots of fights, we separated in a Hawaii airport. His body scarred, my soul healed, calmed. He held my hand as I fought off the demons of many lifetimes, he rubbed balm on my wounded heart, and as I won the battles, he lost the war. The biggest tragedy of love is that we do the work so the next lover can reap the benefits. He will always be the biggest hero of my life and I dream of him still. I dream of a man that slams the breaks on just because he sees a dirt road that we haven’t been down yet. Punches it down the path and lands us in the most beautiful, untouched grove of alders, even though we are late, and I am flipping, begging him to turn around. There is always time for a new adventure. Thank you….you know who you are. You changed my life.
The love that came down the pike next was a bit, how do you say?, tumultuous? It was shrouded in a haze of unrequited, jealous, and strange love. An ill fit. I learned that square does not fit in circle. I learned that just because you have love doesn’t mean you have friendship. Lust is dangerous when you refuse to mine it for anything but sex. But at least I learned.
What came after….my reward and my punishment. All that was good in the world and all that would prove too heavy to bare. Love is a powerful thing. It will wake you up before the sun and keep you hungry long past the moon. I would never seek a refund on what was so generously given, but the pain still gives me pause, years later. My first true heartbreak, I never knew such agony. His removal of love was like an amputation without anesthesia. Surgical and brutal. Bloody. A topic commonly broached here is fear. I never knew fear until this. I was the one who thrust without thought, living for the thrill of love and longing. Now…well…love left its marks all over me. And now I run at the sight of it. Like a survivor, I know that we will meet again, but I fear you. I know that you can/will bring me to my knees. In the back of my mind I remember that only the strong can bend knee and remain aloft. Still I quiver at the thought. My heart is a hibernating bear in spring, squinting at the sun, hungry, skinny. Please be kind to me love. I will give you more than everything. But I will shake with fear as I do.
Let the idea of love rule all 365 days, let it ride you like a mustang, let it tame you, let it set you free!