10 Things I Have Done In My Life
1. Collected over 500 Garbage Pail Kids, all purchased with cashed in beer cans or stolen money.
2. Lied to my first love about my age for over a year. When I finally told him he said, “I knew that already.”
3. Choked Sarah Zimmerling for calling my friend Reyna a cunt.
4. Cheated on every boy friend I have ever had, with only one exception. Consequentially, he is also the only one that I have ever truly loved. Which I didn’t realize until this very moment.
5. Puked in my own shirt and kept on partying. Kevin “Kentucky”‘s wake at Charlie’s in Govy. Then Johny Barnes’ dogs ate all my cloths. Including my underwear.
6. Killed three hamsters by given them baths. They froze to death I think. Except one, he committed suicide after seeing the demise of his compatriots.
7. Slept in a car for six months, parked outside of my own house. My step mother wouldn’t let me in. I peed on the side of the house.
8. Lived with the ghost of a gay cocaine overlord in Oakland.
9. Made a drunk guy show me his penis in exchange for a beer, in front of the whole bar at Pinky’s, and then reneged after he presented it. Drunk on power.
10. Gotten courted by the bassist from Gwar for 6 months or so. It’s hard to take a man seriously when you’ve seen him dressed like that.
11. Slept on blow up mattress that had a slow leak for over a year. I would wake up in the middle of the night and pump it back up.