Take This Love: 26ish yrs. old

He had a rough beard, popeye arms, and a red Chevy.  He was a stoner and a stone mason.  I had a tiny, strange love affair with his silent and troubled roommate.  That’s how we met.  Our first date was a long drive to a spot that he liked to hunt.  Up until recently I thought back on this time with a little laugh, how we fool ourselves into things just because they seem exciting.  And utterly wrong.  I spent two plus years being utterly wrong with this man.  He was Catholic and used to tell me that if I ever entered a church the walls would come crashing down.  We slept in his childhood twin bed with our two dogs until I threatened him with violence.  He was a passionate, lovely guy, who used to shout, “Look at my girl!  Shining like a diamond!”, every time I walked into the bar he held court in.  It was never meant to work.  I have always needed the attraction to travel the entire body, from the flesh to the mind to the heart.  Two weeks after I moved from Cannon Beach to Bend he made himself a baby.  Or at least planted the seed.  His daughter is maybe 7 and we are still friends.

There is always the question of where you sit on a first date in a truck with a bench seat.  Too close and you seem eager, too far and it’s cold.  I sat about three feet from him and my door, equally.  He asked me if I wanted to hear his favorite love song.  Yes.  Yes I did.  And out of stock Chevy speakers blared “This Love”, the Pantera ode to falling out of love.  Maybe I fell a little bit in and out of love with him at that very moment.  But that is still the song I go to when I need my hurt to turn into anger.  I am finding that anger isn’t always such a bad way to move through pain.

Two days ago I sat through two tattoos, one on each lower thigh.  My intention was to tack the physical pain to my mental struggles, move through it, purify it, and free my heart.  I had a playlist of songs that needed to be freed from memories, I need this music back, untainted.  Instead I put “This Love” on repeat.  I know every word, every riff, every scream.  Inside and out.

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