The decision to give counseling the old college try was made like most of my resolutions. An immediate and lofty reaction to pain, passion, or desperation. I have been down this road many times, in a variety of vehicles, and in a multitude of mind states. The major difference here is that I know this road well and I am getting sick of the sights. So I am dedicated. At least as dedicated as I can be when I have the inkling that I may be smarter than my head shrink.
Last week she told me that I will most likely be on some form of anti depressant for the bulk of my life. This little nugget settled in after about three hours and when it did, my flicker went dark. There is nothing that breaks my heart more than the thought of relying on something outside of my self for happiness. The most insane part of this is that my heart was already broken. The piece that was beginning to mend is the part that felt this swing the deepest. This piece was the one I have been holding on to, the one I thought was strong enough to hold me over until the other half healed.
I am playing out the hope that if I work hard enough and build a strong enough world for myself, that maybe, just maybe….
But maybe’s are maybe’s and I know better than to trust something I can’t see.
But as they say in Asia somewhere…seven times falling, eight getting up.
Things that I (am completetly sure that I) will do for the rest of my life:
Worship my friends
Root out fun
Believe in love.