Bread Crumbs: Finding My Way Back

We all find our way back in a distinct and unique way.  For me, I have never even known how to find my way anywhere, let alone back.  My methods of coping are myopic at best and extremely destructive at worst.  Throughout the years my life has pulled, pushed, and nudged me, in which direction I was never sure.  I fall deeply in love only to be cast away over miniature spats.  I ask questions of life and get no answers.  I toil at nonexistent challenges and fall to pieces when I need be strong.  I have been begging the universe to show me the way, to give me the rewards I strive towards.  And finally…..today I woke up knowing that the path I need to travel is the one that will take me back.  I need to know why I am who I am.  Why I do what I do.  Why I crumble so easily and how I stand so tall.  This side page of my beloved blog will be for that.  In the spirit of discipline I will write at least one story a week about my life.  They will not be in order, though I will try to give them some sense of a time frame.  I will leave in or change names with  discretionary kindness.   Some will seem to have little or no relevance to you or me, which is why I won’t promote this page in any way.  Come here to read about me if you’d like.  My plan is to sort through my life so I can find my way home.  If the demons follow me back then I will fight them there, if I must.  On the steps of my house, armed with knowledge that at this moment I do not have.  As a child I learned to bury the bad along with the goods, and it is high time for me to get to digging.  Life is too short and precious to hide from the moments that build it.

Until I figure out a more cohesive way to log this, all new entries will be in the Breadcrumbs drop down menu.  Let me know if this isn’t working well and I will attempt to fix it.

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Dear Black People

Dear Black People,

I’ve written and re-written this letter many different times in many different ways. Every single iteration falling wildly short of the breadth of what needs to be said. Words fail, time passes with so much left unsaid, good intentions paving the road to hell and this letter stays unwritten. But today is the day Black People. If I miss the mark and this letter falls flat on it’s stupid face, so be it. Another innocent black human life was ended by another police bullet. And if I am bone tired of it, how you must feel is beyond my comprehension. So today has to be the day that I say with every fiber of my body, I am sorry. I know it’s not enough. I know it doesn’t bring anybody back or make your day any safer. I know that living in this greedy, myopic country that has built itself on your backs, on your soulfulness, on your immeasurable contributions, both given and taken, has driven everyone of you to desperation and needless heartbreak. And I am sorry.

Like so many white people, I feel helpless in the face of this insanity. But not nearly as helpless as you feel when a cop hits his lights, I reckon. So please understand that I am well aware of my blindness. A reality that you’ve been dealing with for a hundred years, this sick abuse of whiteness, this fucking disgusting flexing of police muscle, is the greatest embarrassment that this country will ever know. I need you to know that I see this. That I will do everything I can to make sure that everyone around me sees this. I want you to feel safe. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to feel loved by your land. You deserve to stand tall in your shoes, knowing that this world is better because of your blackness, your humanness. And it is. And I am sorry that you have ever spent a single second in this backwards ass reality.

Yes, I wrote this to say that I am sorry. That I am ashamed of what has been done by the people that share my skin. And yes, I wrote this to tell you that I will keep fighting to make you feel safe, no matter how little I can truly grasp, I will continue to battle those that would see you held down. I know that it is a small comfort, a pathetic little. And though I may be late to the game, I will to play my heart out. I will be your warrior. Even if it’s a drop in a massive bucket. I am your ally.

As much as this is an apology, it is also a letter of appreciation. I need you to know that I see you. I know what you’ve contributed to this world. Your grace under fire, your resilience, your faith, your art, your music, your beauty. These things that you have brought to the table are nothing short of magic and I offer my deepest gratitude. Perhaps someday we will be worthy of it.

Sincerely,

A White Person

 

 

 

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