“Till now, man has been up Against Nature; from now on he will be up against his own nature.” ~ Dennis Gabor
But I liked the whole fate thing, or thought I did. Destiny- the idea of having one took away from accountability, which I wanted in a deep and desperate way. According to this philosophy, it didn’t matter what you did, how you screwed up- things worked out the way they were supposed to.
He’d look up at me, turn onto his back with a sigh and look at me, an extremity of tenderness filling his face, and say,”I want to live a life filled with regret.” I thought it was a beautiful thing for a twenty two year old man to say.
Out in the park, across the bay from the foam and bubble gum colored structures on the islands, I’d sit with the Cuban gents, these men who were going nowhere, and let the afternoon get huge around us. Each afternoon the sky put on another of its theatrical productions, promoting the idea that amassing then clearing everything away was the solution to all ills.
“You wanna know what love is?”
“Sure, tell us you a-hole.”
“Love is bucket on your head, banged by a bully. You all know that.”
I write about you and you become this girl without restraints or difficulties. There’s nothing off-key between us except what happens in the story.
“Is there anything you want to do? Instead of take drugs and write for a newspaper?”
“Sure, I want to live on a bluff and see two kinds of weather at once and I’d like to insert myself head down into the heart of the women I love.”
“That wouldn’t do it for me.”
If you left me, I would fade out like a dying Indian Tribe. I’d disappear like the ivory-billed woodpecker. They’d see me, near the end, standing down on Calle Cinquo wearing one of your nightgowns, explaining things to the traffic.
Despite everything, she saw herself as a fortunate person. Someone born under a lucky star. You wouldn’t think a person angry all the time would think of herself that way, but she did. I saw myself that way too.
(Words screwed and chopped from “Three Delays” by Charlie Smith. Images harvested from far and winding cyber roads. Tracks are highlighted blue. Click to play, ctrl click to download. All songs are for your listening and downloading pleasures, so please do.)